i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
