I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
