you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
