i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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