we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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