I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
