I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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