i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Houston, we have a squirter
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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