You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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