i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
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