I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
