I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
