Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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