I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
