Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
