I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I need to sanitize my soul.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize