The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
