Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
