Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
