Yo dont text me then not text me
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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