Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
