just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
