why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
