areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
