So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
