i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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