zippers are such a cool invention
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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