i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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