and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
