If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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