Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
