My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
