the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
