dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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