Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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