And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
