yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Panties = found
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
