I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have demons in me.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
