I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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