I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
