if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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