i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize