i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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