My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
