There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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