Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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