I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize