I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize