Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
