A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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