separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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