I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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