I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
