Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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