i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
whose ass print is on the piano?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
