Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
