Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
