i'm signing you up for texting rehab
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
