You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
