woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
