i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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