Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize