i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
