I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
